Monday, May 18

How to Handle Mom Guilt

All good moms have Mom Guilt. It's the nagging voice in your head that whispers things such as: 

 I should have eaten better when I was pregnant.

 I didn't breastfeed long enough, or wait, was it too long? 

 I gave my kids too much candy and now they will end up in prison. 

 Red dye? Does that mean the cherry drink they sucked down all last summer might have stunted their learning? 

I should have KNOWN her eye sight was bad BEFORE they sent the letter home from school. 

I think you get the idea. Mom Guilt can drive you insane and make you doubt yourself. It starts when we find out we are pregnant and goes nonstop from there on out. It doesn't end when your kids move away from home. It's there, waiting to jump out at you when you least expect it. It makes you question all of your decisions involving your children.

It's up to us to talk back to our Mom Guilt. Get in it's face and say: I'm a good mom. My kids WILL be okay. I'm nurturing them and doing my best. Don't let the "experts" tell you that you aren't doing things the right way. Read advice and ask questions, but follow your gut. Learning is good. Asking questions is also good. Believing everything you read on the internet or view on television is bad. 

Your mom instincts are important. Don't ignore them. Sometimes you have to push aside the Mom Guilt to get to them, but they are there and they are awesome. I have an example of a situation where I didn't follow my instincts and later wished I had. 

My son had a dry cough on and off for a couple of years. We have a family doctor. We'd been in for all the check-ups. I'd asked questions, but was politely told it was fine and not to worry. I KNEW it wasn't just a dry throat. We moved into the country and one weekend my son had an asthma attack. After taking him in to the ER, they FINALLY figured out he had mild, allergy induced asthma. Lo and behold, they gave him an inhaler to use once a day, and prescribed an allergy medicine.  No more dry cough. No more bronchitis. Amazing.

Doctors have the education and the skills, but they don't know our kids like we do. My INSTINCT told me something was wrong and I pushed it aside. I should have trusted myself and pushed harder for answers, but I didn't. Instead of feeling guilty about what happened, I use the experience to remind myself that I need to trust my instincts. 

Over the years, I have heard from many moms who worry they aren't doing something correctly when it comes to their children. I have found that when a person worries they aren't doing it "right", they tend to be a loving parent who wants the best for their children, which is why they are questioning themselves. Mom Guilt is busy whispering in their ears, causing them to doubt everything they've done as a parent.

Moms, and Dads, need to have more faith in themselves and their instincts. Look the doctors, dentists, teachers and experts in the face and tell them you don't agree, or that the situation needs to be looked into further. Ask for other options, second opinions or better explanations. Don't give in unless you are satisfied with the answers you are given.

As parents, we know our children better than anyone. Don't let someone tell you differently, including yourself.

Repeat to yourself (while looking Guilt in the face): I am a good parent. My kids WILL be okay. I'm nurturing them and doing my best. 

Now, make yourself a cup of tea and give yourself a break. You deserve it.

Wednesday, May 13

What Does Mom Need?

When I became a mom, I lost myself for awhile. It happens. Caring for the baby, entering into a new relationship with your husband as a partner in parenting, and dealing with changes in your body that no one warned you about. Don't let anyone tell it's not overwhelming. They will be lying to themselves and you.

All mothers need someone to vent to that will not judge or try to fix what is wrong. Sometimes we just need to say: 

"What the heck was I thinking. This is SO hard. Why didn't someone warn me." 

Moms need to vent often. They need someone online or offline that will let them scream, cry and rant. Afterwards they will feel better, and laugh at what made them so crazy. As much as I love my husband; I found you really need another mom, or two, as a sounding board. Do not vent on social media. Afterwards the guilt will set in, and once the words are out there, they can't be taken back. Venting about children, who we love without fail, needs to be with people who can be trusted, have a sense of humor and are like-minded.

Moms need time to themselves EVERY day. I don't care if it's a half hour in the bathroom pampering yourself with a bath and a good book, or a quick walk by yourself around the block while cranking up the tunes on an MP3 player. Moms NEED space to breathe. Take my word on this. There were times when my children were toddlers that grocery trips were my outings. We still laugh about this in our family, but those trips to the store were a sanity saver.

Moms also need to talk to their partner in a calm and rational voice BEFORE things build up and there is banshee-like screaming or baby style weeping. Explain what you need and work out a plan. This is different for each couple depending on who works and what your schedules are from day to day. Do not assume that he won't be comfortable with certain things. If you don't talk it out you won't know. My husband encourages me to take time for myself.  Are we always calm and rational? Hardly. However, throughout the years we have both learned to talk things out rather than hold in our thoughts.

 Motherhood is everything I thought  it would be and at the same time NOTHING like I imagined. It's a daily adventure; one that can make a mom forget that she is also a woman who had a life and interests before having children. The key is to be true to yourself, knowing that your children will look at you as an example of what they should strive for as they grow and learn. Moms need to care for themselves, emotionally and physically, just as they care for their children. 

~Brenda

Wednesday, April 1

Potluck Favorites: Coconut Quick Bread

My husband is a registered nurse in a city hospital, and has been for over 15 years. His co-workers love potlucks. They have more potlucks than a church auxiliary. If a resident or nursing student moves on they throw up a sign up sheet in the break room. 

Over the years I have sent many dishes, desserts and breads with my husband on Potluck Days. The quick breads I bake are by far the most popular, but I always feel the need to mix it up with new recipes. Last week I used a recipe for lemon bread but changed the ingredients and came up with a coconut bread. It was a big hit, which means it's a keeper. Enjoy...




Coconut Quick Bread

Ingredients:
1 box white cake mix (18.5 ounces)
4 large eggs
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 box coconut cream instant pudding (3.4 ounces)
1 cup light or regular sour cream
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup sweetened coconut flakes

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Prepare two 8 inch bread pans with cooking spray or butter.

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix well. The batter will be thick. Spoon the batter into the bread pans, splitting evenly. Place the pans in the center of the middle rack, spacing several inches apart. Bake at 350 degrees. F. for 45 minutes or until done. A toothpick gently pushed into the top center of the loaf will come out clean when the loaf is finished baking. Cool in the pan for 10-15 minutes.  Use a knife around all of the edges, and gently pat the loaf to remove it from the pan. 

I cut off the ends (perfect for taste testing), then slice the remainder of the bread and place the slices on a platter. Wrap well with plastic wrap until it's time for the potluck. I usually bake the night before the event.

Notes: I'm making this again on Sunday, along with lemon bread, but I'm going to add in mini chocolate chips. It will be a nice treat, along with our brunch menu.

~Brenda

Wednesday, March 25

The Patience of Grandmothers



One day I was sitting on the couch, coloring with my grandson. I was "in the moment" with him. My mind wasn't chanting at me about the work I wasn't doing, or throwing problems at me that I needed to fix RIGHT then. I was coloring. 

Why is it easier to be patient as a grandmother? I think it's because we have watched our children grow into adults, and we KNOW how fast the time flies. I now know that those moments of play when it's just the two of us won't last long. The morning snuggles are precious because before we know it, toddlers become big kids. Sure, there are new wonders to discover together, and no diapers to change as kids mature, which is cool. Still, those first years are gone in a flash.  I've been through it three times and still can't believe how fast the time seems to fly. 

As a grandmother,  I don't take things for granted. I MAKE time to color, even though the laundry isn't finished, and the dishes don't wash themselves. I can do those chores on the days Little Man is with his mom or dad. 

Will I still have patience when I have two, or three, or six grandchildren? 

Bring it on.

~Brenda

Tuesday, June 10

The Best Laid Plans

Sometimes we plan things and despite everyone's best effort they change. While this can be frustrating, it can often have surprising results. Take my Mother's Day for instance- the plan was for my kids and my husband to spend the day preparing my new garden bed, and they had breakfast and dinner planned out so I could garden all day and not have to cook. It was a wonderful plan.

Saturday we found out that my husband's Uncle John, who has a pacemaker and has been on dialysis three times a day, had decided that he was tired and ready to stop fighting. He was in the hospital and his heart could stop in hours or days. We called my son who attends college in the city, and once he was able to get home we all climbed in my husband's truck and headed to the hospital, which was about two hours away. It wasn't the Mother's Day we had planned, but we were able to visit with John while he was awake and chatting with all of us about our lives and our plans. He hugged each one of us and told us he loved us before we left, which was a hard thing to do. I wouldn't have traded that time with him for anything.

Uncle John was the youngest in his family and was only 58. The doctors warned his kids that he would only live another year, but that was four years ago. His body was tired, and I think his soul was as well. Uncle John loved to chat with our boys, and always had a good word for all of us, along with a hug and a smile. I can't count how many times he brightened my day by just smiling and giving me a big hug when I was a bit down in the dumps.



Uncle John, in the picture above from a few years ago, loved making tamales with the Hyde family- it's something they started doing long before I married my husband. They make the dough from scratch, and grind roasted pork to place in the middle of the dough, all wrapped in a corn husk. It's a "by feel" recipe, and there is always a bit of "discussion" over how much seasoning to add to the dough and meat. I'm so glad I took pictures of the times we all gathered at my in-laws house to make tamales.

Uncle John died a week later after we visited him in the hospital, and it was a tough time for his family, especially his grandson who is 9 years old. When the minister asked if anyone wanted to say a few words, he ran up to the podium and told us how much he loved his grandpa and how he had been there for him all of his life. It was heartbreaking, yet precious.

This post has been waiting for me to finish it for a bit now. It was an emotional May with everything that was happening. We will all miss Uncle John, just as we still miss his wife, Aunt Marsha and his mom, Grandma Dorothy. I will always be thankful for their friendship, and the love they showed me during the last 25 years. All three of them took the time to learn that I was quiet when something was bothering me, and I knew when they asked me how I was doing they REALLY wanted to know. If I talked, they listened. If I needed a hug they gave me one.

I know they are at peace now, and while I'm grateful for that, I will never stop missing their hugs and smiles.


~Brenda

Monday, May 5

The Dandelion



You fight dandelions all weekend, and late Monday afternoon there they are, pert as all get out, in full and gorgeous bloom, pretty as can be, thriving as only dandelions can in the face of adversity. ~Hal Borland

Thursday, May 1

The Garden Projects Begin!

I had posted previously about moving landscaping blocks from the front yard to the back for a new herb bed. My husband moved the blocks just before a rain shower, with a little bit of "help" from our grandson.





Jace was convinced that grandpa was making him a new seating area:) He was also fascinated with grandpa's truck.  His Aunt Emily observed "He's such a boy!".



Now that the herb bed is in place we need to work up the soil, remove the sod and add more soil, then I'll transfer some plants and buy others. It's a start!

HOSES AND MORE HOSES...
My husband also took an hour or so out to make a holder for our hoses, which tend to lay tangled on the ground most of the garden season.  We have two faucets and a lot of property, so we have four hoses.  He used a scrap 4x4 (We have a lot of them leftover from things we took apart after moving out here.) and cut up another piece of scrap wood, then screwed it all together.  I will probably paint it at some point when he finishes building a small box that will set on top of the post to hold nozzles and sprinklers.


You can see our old post hole digger behind the post.  This is one tool we couldn't do without, and it was given to us years ago.  Remember, it's okay to be a moocher, especially when it comes to garden tools:)

~Brenda