Monday, May 18

How to Handle Mom Guilt

All good moms have Mom Guilt. It's the nagging voice in your head that whispers things such as: 

 I should have eaten better when I was pregnant.

 I didn't breastfeed long enough, or wait, was it too long? 

 I gave my kids too much candy and now they will end up in prison. 

 Red dye? Does that mean the cherry drink they sucked down all last summer might have stunted their learning? 

I should have KNOWN her eye sight was bad BEFORE they sent the letter home from school. 

I think you get the idea. Mom Guilt can drive you insane and make you doubt yourself. It starts when we find out we are pregnant and goes nonstop from there on out. It doesn't end when your kids move away from home. It's there, waiting to jump out at you when you least expect it. It makes you question all of your decisions involving your children.

It's up to us to talk back to our Mom Guilt. Get in it's face and say: I'm a good mom. My kids WILL be okay. I'm nurturing them and doing my best. Don't let the "experts" tell you that you aren't doing things the right way. Read advice and ask questions, but follow your gut. Learning is good. Asking questions is also good. Believing everything you read on the internet or view on television is bad. 

Your mom instincts are important. Don't ignore them. Sometimes you have to push aside the Mom Guilt to get to them, but they are there and they are awesome. I have an example of a situation where I didn't follow my instincts and later wished I had. 

My son had a dry cough on and off for a couple of years. We have a family doctor. We'd been in for all the check-ups. I'd asked questions, but was politely told it was fine and not to worry. I KNEW it wasn't just a dry throat. We moved into the country and one weekend my son had an asthma attack. After taking him in to the ER, they FINALLY figured out he had mild, allergy induced asthma. Lo and behold, they gave him an inhaler to use once a day, and prescribed an allergy medicine.  No more dry cough. No more bronchitis. Amazing.

Doctors have the education and the skills, but they don't know our kids like we do. My INSTINCT told me something was wrong and I pushed it aside. I should have trusted myself and pushed harder for answers, but I didn't. Instead of feeling guilty about what happened, I use the experience to remind myself that I need to trust my instincts. 

Over the years, I have heard from many moms who worry they aren't doing something correctly when it comes to their children. I have found that when a person worries they aren't doing it "right", they tend to be a loving parent who wants the best for their children, which is why they are questioning themselves. Mom Guilt is busy whispering in their ears, causing them to doubt everything they've done as a parent.

Moms, and Dads, need to have more faith in themselves and their instincts. Look the doctors, dentists, teachers and experts in the face and tell them you don't agree, or that the situation needs to be looked into further. Ask for other options, second opinions or better explanations. Don't give in unless you are satisfied with the answers you are given.

As parents, we know our children better than anyone. Don't let someone tell you differently, including yourself.

Repeat to yourself (while looking Guilt in the face): I am a good parent. My kids WILL be okay. I'm nurturing them and doing my best. 

Now, make yourself a cup of tea and give yourself a break. You deserve it.

Wednesday, May 13

What Does Mom Need?

When I became a mom, I lost myself for awhile. It happens. Caring for the baby, entering into a new relationship with your husband as a partner in parenting, and dealing with changes in your body that no one warned you about. Don't let anyone tell it's not overwhelming. They will be lying to themselves and you.

All mothers need someone to vent to that will not judge or try to fix what is wrong. Sometimes we just need to say: 

"What the heck was I thinking. This is SO hard. Why didn't someone warn me." 

Moms need to vent often. They need someone online or offline that will let them scream, cry and rant. Afterwards they will feel better, and laugh at what made them so crazy. As much as I love my husband; I found you really need another mom, or two, as a sounding board. Do not vent on social media. Afterwards the guilt will set in, and once the words are out there, they can't be taken back. Venting about children, who we love without fail, needs to be with people who can be trusted, have a sense of humor and are like-minded.

Moms need time to themselves EVERY day. I don't care if it's a half hour in the bathroom pampering yourself with a bath and a good book, or a quick walk by yourself around the block while cranking up the tunes on an MP3 player. Moms NEED space to breathe. Take my word on this. There were times when my children were toddlers that grocery trips were my outings. We still laugh about this in our family, but those trips to the store were a sanity saver.

Moms also need to talk to their partner in a calm and rational voice BEFORE things build up and there is banshee-like screaming or baby style weeping. Explain what you need and work out a plan. This is different for each couple depending on who works and what your schedules are from day to day. Do not assume that he won't be comfortable with certain things. If you don't talk it out you won't know. My husband encourages me to take time for myself.  Are we always calm and rational? Hardly. However, throughout the years we have both learned to talk things out rather than hold in our thoughts.

 Motherhood is everything I thought  it would be and at the same time NOTHING like I imagined. It's a daily adventure; one that can make a mom forget that she is also a woman who had a life and interests before having children. The key is to be true to yourself, knowing that your children will look at you as an example of what they should strive for as they grow and learn. Moms need to care for themselves, emotionally and physically, just as they care for their children. 

~Brenda

The Last of the Roses in Autumn

The milkweed pods are breaking,   And the bits of silken down   Float off upon the autumn breeze   Across the meadows brown. ~C...